we were being prepared and didn't know it.

This past January and February were strangely difficult months for me. 

Maybe difficult isn't the right word to use,

just slightly strange.

I think we all started realizing the toll that the previous 6 months had taken on us.
It had been stressful,
and although we had the grace to get through each day
things had been hard.

With everything that had happened with baby girls adoption

we decided that we weren't going to even talk about bringing a 6th baby into our family.

All talks of foster care and other options were going to have to wait

and we decided that those discussions would wait until after baby girl's 1st birthday.
~

The end of March I found myself so overwhelmed with the amount of STUFF in our house.

I was on a mission,

a mission to empty as many drawers and closets as I could.

I felt panicked about it.

I would call my husband at work in a state,

complaining about the junk I was finding that we hadn't used in years.

I realize now that I was nesting.

While going through everything, determined to get rid of as much as possible.
I pulled out a robe that I had stuffed into the bottom of a pile in my closet for a long time.
I mean it had been there for years.
I knew it needed a good clean and never felt like dealing with it.
But knowing that I was going to be making a charity shop run
I thought it would be perfect time to clean it up and add it to the rest of the stuff.
When I pulled the robe out I saw something else fall from under it.
A white newborn baby coat.
I immediately recognized it and knew it had been years since we had seen it.
I washed it up and hung it on the chair in the kitchen,
still not sure if I could add it to the pile or if it needed to be saved.

If only I knew that the next day I would need it.

The night before we got the call about baby boy my husband was running with his best mate.

He later told me they talked about life,

about making choices that required faith to a whole new level.

He had explained that he felt we had gotten comfortable again since baby girl's adoption had gone through.

Those months,

when things were on the rocks and we were unsure of where baby girl was going to end up,

we lived in each moment.

We lived trusting that God knew best and ultimately He was in control.

When her adoption went through we began taking control back into our own hands,

things began to feel too comfortable again.

I know now that the conversation he had

and what was being stirred in my husband

was what he needed to say yes when I told him about the baby boy needing a family.

The conversation between us after I had received the call wasn't long.

I said there was a need and he said of course we would.

We never took baby boy into our home with the intent of him staying with us long term.

He had already been placed with a family,

a couple who were longing to be his mama and daddy.

But with the uncertainty of the future

there were too many factors that pushed them towards putting baby boy into cradle care.

I will never critize what they did or judge.

Until you have walked this road you won't understand how difficult it is.
Ideally, we wanted to hand him back to them
knowing that he would be loved and cared for.
But that's not an option anymore in this situation.
And with that ideal not being possible
we now feel like we have to protect him,
do all we can to keep him safe.

It's so comforting to know that we were being prepared
That he was meant to be here
With us
For this time

The rest of the story I am determined to leave in the hands of the one who brought this baby boy to our kitchen.