control.

i have learned so much since we decided to bring our baby girl into our family through adoption. 

i've learned so much about life

about the world i live in

and about myself.

i've learned about what is truly important.

about making decisions that don't make sense

and about how every little soul deserves a shot at life. 

i've learned about trust

about fear

 about living one moment

one hour

one day at a time.

and probably more than anything i've learned about being out of control.

i hate feeling out of control.

yesterday we talked to our lawyer about our situation with baby boy.

it's messy. really messy.

the facts were hard to hear even though they weren't anything we didn't already know.

high risk

long, costly process

lies and deceit.

so many questions, so many different outcomes

all determining where baby boy will end up and who will be the biggest influence in his life.

anxiety set in after our conversation with the lawyer.

i couldn't keep my mind from wandering to the "what if's"

which is never a great place mentally to stay.

i just can't imagine having to hand him over.

would he be cared for?  would he even be safe?

it's horrific to even think about, especially knowing the little bits that i do about where he would be going with either of his birth parents right now.

and today the plot thickens.  birth parents back in the picture and asking to meet up. 
i just hate not being able to control how things work out.
how they end up.

but at the end of the day, whether it's about baby boy

or sweet baby girl

or any of my kiddos

at some point i have to give up control.

and actually realize i have never been in control.

adopted, fostered, biological...it makes NO difference. 

at some point with each of my kids i am going to have to make the decision to stop trying to control

and learn to let go.