we were being prepared and didn't know it.

This past January and February were strangely difficult months for me. 

Maybe difficult isn't the right word to use,

just slightly strange.

I think we all started realizing the toll that the previous 6 months had taken on us.
It had been stressful,
and although we had the grace to get through each day
things had been hard.

With everything that had happened with baby girls adoption

we decided that we weren't going to even talk about bringing a 6th baby into our family.

All talks of foster care and other options were going to have to wait

and we decided that those discussions would wait until after baby girl's 1st birthday.
~

The end of March I found myself so overwhelmed with the amount of STUFF in our house.

I was on a mission,

a mission to empty as many drawers and closets as I could.

I felt panicked about it.

I would call my husband at work in a state,

complaining about the junk I was finding that we hadn't used in years.

I realize now that I was nesting.

While going through everything, determined to get rid of as much as possible.
I pulled out a robe that I had stuffed into the bottom of a pile in my closet for a long time.
I mean it had been there for years.
I knew it needed a good clean and never felt like dealing with it.
But knowing that I was going to be making a charity shop run
I thought it would be perfect time to clean it up and add it to the rest of the stuff.
When I pulled the robe out I saw something else fall from under it.
A white newborn baby coat.
I immediately recognized it and knew it had been years since we had seen it.
I washed it up and hung it on the chair in the kitchen,
still not sure if I could add it to the pile or if it needed to be saved.

If only I knew that the next day I would need it.

The night before we got the call about baby boy my husband was running with his best mate.

He later told me they talked about life,

about making choices that required faith to a whole new level.

He had explained that he felt we had gotten comfortable again since baby girl's adoption had gone through.

Those months,

when things were on the rocks and we were unsure of where baby girl was going to end up,

we lived in each moment.

We lived trusting that God knew best and ultimately He was in control.

When her adoption went through we began taking control back into our own hands,

things began to feel too comfortable again.

I know now that the conversation he had

and what was being stirred in my husband

was what he needed to say yes when I told him about the baby boy needing a family.

The conversation between us after I had received the call wasn't long.

I said there was a need and he said of course we would.

We never took baby boy into our home with the intent of him staying with us long term.

He had already been placed with a family,

a couple who were longing to be his mama and daddy.

But with the uncertainty of the future

there were too many factors that pushed them towards putting baby boy into cradle care.

I will never critize what they did or judge.

Until you have walked this road you won't understand how difficult it is.
Ideally, we wanted to hand him back to them
knowing that he would be loved and cared for.
But that's not an option anymore in this situation.
And with that ideal not being possible
we now feel like we have to protect him,
do all we can to keep him safe.

It's so comforting to know that we were being prepared
That he was meant to be here
With us
For this time

The rest of the story I am determined to leave in the hands of the one who brought this baby boy to our kitchen.

she changed us.

 one year ago our lives changed in ways we could have never imagined. 

we were given a gift.

she has completely rocked our world

in every good and amazing way possible.

 my journal entry on the day she was born..."there were a couple false alarms which were interesting especially seeing that she was 3 hours away. the plan was for us to be there, to be in the delivery room, and for us to take her immediately after delivery. when choosing to foster/adopt, you quickly learn not to have expectations so we weren't set in any aspect of "the plan". and after she was a few days late, with no signs of labor anytime soon, we had kinda come to the conclusion that she would have to be induced. then on tuesday morning, at around 4 am, i was woken up and he said "it's happening, she's in labor." we gathered our things and waited for my sister to arrive. (thank God for my sister, wouldn't have made it without her!)

i drove. and i drove fast. we had to stop for gas and went through the drive through, commenting at the time that there was no way 5 minutes would make the difference in getting there in time. if we had only known! about 19 miles out from our location we got a call saying that she was in a lot of pain and felt a lot of pressure. when i heard the word pressure i knew that we were going to miss it and sure enough, we came squealing into the hospital parking lot only to get another call saying she had just been born. i ran in and was helped by several employees to where the labor/delivery ward was and sure enough i walked into the room while mama was getting stitched up and baby girl was screaming.

 not sure if i can put into words what i felt in those moments. she was crying. crying hard. and her natural instincts were in full flow. she wanted her mama, and i knew that i wasn't what she wanted. to be honest i wasn't sure how to feel. to be honest there was a moment that i wanted to run. don't get me wrong, i knew i was going to be this babies mama but it was still overwhelming and i was out of my comfort zone to say the least. right there i had to make a choice. and that choice was to pick our baby up and be her mommy. and that's exactly what i did. we were in the room for about 10 minutes and then took her to the nursury to have a bath and get her settled. and then they gave us a room. it was amazing what i felt toward her. it was instant. she was mine. and it was beautiful.

everyone asks if we are being a bit hesitant, holding ourselves back a bit from her, guarding our hearts. i understand the questions but my answer is a clear and direct NO. she is our baby. completely innocent and unaware of the drama around her. she arrived to us with a clean slate, needing love. i don't think it would be possible to not fall head over heels for this little girl so i'm not going to try. whether she is with us for 1 week or 60 years, i choose to love her the same. yes, it's hard to think of having to let her go. yes, it's heartbreaking to think of not having her here with us when she is the missing piece we have been aware of for so long. yes, the kids would be devastated. but if we hold back we will only in the end have regret, no matter what the outcome is. she is here. and she is here for a reason. we can give her so much and are determined to give her all we have each day."

our baby girls story didn't end there. 

complications

threat from birthparents

a long drawn out wait

high risk

but in the end her official adoption went through when she was almost 7 months old.

what a gift she is to us.

so many people comment on how lucky she is to have us as her family

but they have it all completely wrong...

we are the lucky ones!

his mama.

i know what my perspective should be...

grateful for every minute with him

grateful that he, out of no where, arrived in our kitchen

that there is a bigger picture that is beyond anything i can understand or see

that a baby's first months are the most important

that the love and cuddles and kisses and words are impacting him beyond our understanding

that no matter what he will always have a place in our hearts

that God loves him more than i ever could

and will watch over his every step

i know that this should be my perspective

and most of the time it is.

but at night, mostly at night

i find it hard to keep this view.

at night

when i look over into his crib and see his sweet cheeks and dark hair

i just want the chance to be his mama.

my biggest girl is 8.

 i'm just not sure how it has happened as it seems only yesterday she was a sweet little bald blue eyed baby!

but now she's quite the young lady! and i can't believe that tomorrow she is 8!

 i catch her each morning now putting on the slightest amount of make-up

and i'm determined to not make a huge deal about it because i know it's just something special to her.

i've noticed her more aware of her appearance and stature, not in a vain way

just very lady-like.

 

 

i'm so proud of my girl and who she is.  i love her heart and how she is so aware of what's important.  she values people, friendships, quality time.

she is always willing to help, never complaining or whining.  she loves on the babies, always does what's needed to make things a bit easier, and knows how to make people feel loved and included. she loves crafts, leaving people notes and cards, and loves swimming.  she's a detailed girl, listens and does what has been asked to the every detail which makes her a joy to home school.

my biggest girl had always wanted a sister so when we talked about adopting she was over the moon!when we had met with baby girl's birthmom for the very first time she had mentioned that her due date was june 10th...our biggest girl's birthday.  she couldn't have been more excited.

when we brought baby girl home from the hospital she was immediately in love. 

i remember her holding the baby and she looked up at me very seriously and said, "these 30 days better go quickly".

 i have at times feared how she would respond to some of the things that adoption/fostering brings.

she gives fully and i always knew that should we bring another little one into our home

she would instantly fall in love.

and while some days have been hard for her

she learned to live each day to the fullest, accepting that we can't predict what was ahead. 

 i am so proud of her

over the past week, as things have become increasingly complicated with our baby boy, i've noticed that she is fully aware of it all.

the phone calls

our conversations.

she came and asked me if he was going to have to go.

i told her i didn't know what was ahead.

i said we had to continue doing what we could do...and when i asked her what those things were she said very confidently,

"mama, we can hope

pray

enjoy this moment

this hour

this day

and love him like he's never leaving."

she gets it

and i'm so proud.

happy birthday, my sweet girl!

great things

we had arrived at my mom's house and the kids immediately jumped out of the car and headed inside.

i took baby girl and my bag inside

then headed back out to get baby boy.

when i got closer to the car i realized that my biggest boy, who is 9 years old, was still in the back seat.

actually, he was leaning over the seat whispering to baby boy.

"youre going to be a world changer, baby boy, you really are.

youre going to do great things...you hear me?  great things, buddy."

it is in that moment that i see

my kids get it.

and i believe those words will impact his life

whether he is here with us

or not.

the truth is it hurts.

people often say
"i wouldn't be able to do it...take these babies into my home, not knowing the outcome."
"i would get too attached, it would be too upsetting"
"you must have something different in you, to be able to do this...i would just not want to let them go"

i understand why people say these things.
really,
i do.
but sometimes i'm left feeling a bit baffled by it all.

just because we are living out what we feel is right doesn't mean we have immunity to the hard and painful parts.

everything in me wants to take these babies and run and hide.
 i know that many people don't understand how a baby that never grew in my tummy could hold the same place in my heart and life as any of my children but let me assure you that i feel no different towards any of my 6 kiddos.
these babies are not my ministry or my calling...
they are my babies.

i want to protect each of them
give them everything i can.
and when that is threatened, it seems more than i can bear at times.

the past 2 years have held some of the hardest moments in my life.  like i'm talking harder than i could have imagined.  the feelings, circumstances, anxiety, and fear that have come along side our decision to step into the world of adoption have been more than we could have ever prepared for.  every situation is different, no adoption story the same. 
i only speak from what we have experienced.
what we have seen and felt.

but i can confidently say that making the decisions we have over the past couple years,
to be open to whatever God has for our family
and to be open to whoever God has for our family
have brought a deeper sense of living then we have ever had before
a clearer perspective
a deeper gratefulness
a more honest view of the reality that so many live in.

i wonder how many times in the past i have made a decision based on the thought that if it's

hard or painful
if it doesn't make sense
then surely it isn't right.
 i wonder how much i've missed out on because of that thought.

i'm so glad i didn't miss out on these babies...

control.

i have learned so much since we decided to bring our baby girl into our family through adoption. 

i've learned so much about life

about the world i live in

and about myself.

i've learned about what is truly important.

about making decisions that don't make sense

and about how every little soul deserves a shot at life. 

i've learned about trust

about fear

 about living one moment

one hour

one day at a time.

and probably more than anything i've learned about being out of control.

i hate feeling out of control.

yesterday we talked to our lawyer about our situation with baby boy.

it's messy. really messy.

the facts were hard to hear even though they weren't anything we didn't already know.

high risk

long, costly process

lies and deceit.

so many questions, so many different outcomes

all determining where baby boy will end up and who will be the biggest influence in his life.

anxiety set in after our conversation with the lawyer.

i couldn't keep my mind from wandering to the "what if's"

which is never a great place mentally to stay.

i just can't imagine having to hand him over.

would he be cared for?  would he even be safe?

it's horrific to even think about, especially knowing the little bits that i do about where he would be going with either of his birth parents right now.

and today the plot thickens.  birth parents back in the picture and asking to meet up. 
i just hate not being able to control how things work out.
how they end up.

but at the end of the day, whether it's about baby boy

or sweet baby girl

or any of my kiddos

at some point i have to give up control.

and actually realize i have never been in control.

adopted, fostered, biological...it makes NO difference. 

at some point with each of my kids i am going to have to make the decision to stop trying to control

and learn to let go.