can i be doing more...

“The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.”
― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

 

if you haven't read this book

you should

 

the feelings are back

ones that i can't shake

i don't know what that means and at times i'm afraid to find out

some of the things that consume my mind

scare me

surely He's not calling me, calling us, to do what i think He is

but through all the thoughts
the feelings
the what ifs
there is a peace and a full confidence that He knows what he is doing

 

i feel we all have to do more

do i think every family should adopt?

no

do i think more families should adopt?

yes

do i think that all of us could and should be doing more

regarding the millions of children that are suffering?

yes

 

there are so many ways to help make huge change in the lives of kids

become a foster parent

you don't have to even go through an organization

just contact your local children and youth services

sponsor a child

it's easy.  this summer my brother blogged about a trip he took

about the children he met

about how we can help change their lives
anyone can sponsor a child

sponsor another childs adoption

i can't keep my eyes off this site right now

so many children

abandoned

and if nothing changes their futures look horrific

asylums

their lives spent in cribs

if we aren't going to bring these babies into our homes

the least we can do is support those financially who will
each of these options can radically change the life of a child

i'm determined to do more
not sure exactly what that is going to look like
but i know i have to do more

james 1:27
religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless
is this;
to look after orphans and widows in their distress
and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world

what a summer it's been...

2 months.

i can't believe it's been 2 months since i've been on here.

actually, i can believe it...

this summer has been the busiest yet!

hopefully i can get back on track with blogging now that we are getting into more of a routine around here!

i'm excited about the things that have become summer traditions for our family.

the mountains is one of our favorites!

 baby girl started taking steps while we were at the mountains.

now, at 15 months, she is a walker.

can't believe how big she is!

 my love and i had some wonderful time together this summer.

an evening in philadelphia, for a concert and dinner.

even a couple of days in NYC!

we stopped in Princeton on the way...

(saw an awesome team tennis match with agassi and mcenroe!)

 swimming, swimming, and more swimming...the kids had 4 weeks of swimming lessons this summer.  it was awesome to see them gain complete confidence in the water (nice for mama and daddy as well!)  match that with meme and pawpaw getting a pool and we were seriously in the water all summer!

this summer we seemed to keep the tooth fairy busy as well...

 we did the park this summer quite often.  i love going to a place where i know everyone is going to be happy!

 the kids love going to philadephia and baltimore!

 spent the day at dutch wonderland with friends!

 and yes, baby boy is still with us.  i find it so incredibly hard to believe that he is nearly 6 months old.  i still find myself looking at him and wondering how we got so lucky!  he is a complete love, always happy and smiling!  we still have no idea what the future holds, or how things are going to work out but we are determined to take one day at a time.  anxiety sets in the minute we try and figure things out...i have to let the whole situation in God's hands.

a beautiful evening to celebrate

 a day to celebrate our baby girl

i found it all much more overwhelming than i had expected

 so many people that love her so so much

all wanting the best for her

for her life to be as full as it possibly can

so many hugs

kisses

smiles

so much laughter

all for her 

 three lines of photos representing each month of her little life

photos of all her firsts

the first picture we ever took after arriving at the hospital

her first trip to the mountains and first trip to the beach

her first time meeting her birth mother

photos of her day to day life

each one representing a chapter in her story so far

 everyone that came to her party were people that have "gotten it" since moment one

they have held her

kissed her

loved her

tickled her

fully accepted her

spoken words of life and truth over her

and to say we are grateful is an understatement

i too often have seen the opposite happen

a family brings a baby home through adoption

no support

alienated

looked down upon due to their decision

i can't imagine

i can't imagine how the parents walk the walk without love and support around them

i can't imagine how the child is going to respond to the feelings of rejection and disapproval

that at some point will be glaringly obvious

 after everyone had left i was so wired

i couldn't settle

couldn't sleep

my mind was spinning

and i was trying to work through one thought

i just couldn't get over the fact that there were probably at least

ONE MILLION WAYS

we could have missed out on our baby girl.

seriously

so many people making so many decisions

so many papers that could have taken a shorter/longer amount of time to process

birth parents being influenced by others that never had their best interests in mind

my stubbornness towards pulling our application from another adoption process

the list goes on and on

i am more than grateful

and more than thankful

that she is my baby girl

and that those one million things didn't keep her from us.

happy birthday, baby girl!



someone has to.

some days the emotions seem overwhelming.

we don't have answers to our situation with baby boy and

there really are no options.

we have to wait and see what happens.

i have fears with baby girl,

so many unknowns for the future.
many of the fears are the same, with any of my children
but many she will have to work through that are unique to her due to her adoption. 

how will we deal with her possible insecurities and questions?

will she know how much we completely adore her,

that she was our baby girl since the moment we saw her. 

i don't want to sound like a broken record,
always writing about the difficult side with our babies
but right now
when things are in limbo
fear
anxiety
worry
are ever present.
we walk each day with a weight on our shoulders
some days the weight is lighter
but it's still always there.

last week things got rough.

no answers to some pretty big questions.

seeming to hit a brick wall in any possible solution with baby boy

it was just too much.

i could feel my chest tightening and anxiety setting in

as we talked through the latest developments with baby boy,

trying to figure out how this was going to work out.
i looked at my husband,

hardly able to get the words out

and i said "why would we ever do this again,

its just too hard".

i haven't been able to shake what he said to me.

"someone has to"

that's all he said.

sometimes i wish we weren't that "someone".
sometimes i wish i could just walk away
and not feel anything
but to be honest
with each baby that has been brought to our home
my feeling couldn't be more opposite.
looking at our baby girl and baby boy
there is only one thought that consumes my mind

one more. 
we can love on one more.
i don't know what that means for our family
but it stirs in me an excitement in regards to the future.
we are open and willing.
He knows
and because He is more than capable
i choose to trust.

we were being prepared and didn't know it.

This past January and February were strangely difficult months for me. 

Maybe difficult isn't the right word to use,

just slightly strange.

I think we all started realizing the toll that the previous 6 months had taken on us.
It had been stressful,
and although we had the grace to get through each day
things had been hard.

With everything that had happened with baby girls adoption

we decided that we weren't going to even talk about bringing a 6th baby into our family.

All talks of foster care and other options were going to have to wait

and we decided that those discussions would wait until after baby girl's 1st birthday.
~

The end of March I found myself so overwhelmed with the amount of STUFF in our house.

I was on a mission,

a mission to empty as many drawers and closets as I could.

I felt panicked about it.

I would call my husband at work in a state,

complaining about the junk I was finding that we hadn't used in years.

I realize now that I was nesting.

While going through everything, determined to get rid of as much as possible.
I pulled out a robe that I had stuffed into the bottom of a pile in my closet for a long time.
I mean it had been there for years.
I knew it needed a good clean and never felt like dealing with it.
But knowing that I was going to be making a charity shop run
I thought it would be perfect time to clean it up and add it to the rest of the stuff.
When I pulled the robe out I saw something else fall from under it.
A white newborn baby coat.
I immediately recognized it and knew it had been years since we had seen it.
I washed it up and hung it on the chair in the kitchen,
still not sure if I could add it to the pile or if it needed to be saved.

If only I knew that the next day I would need it.

The night before we got the call about baby boy my husband was running with his best mate.

He later told me they talked about life,

about making choices that required faith to a whole new level.

He had explained that he felt we had gotten comfortable again since baby girl's adoption had gone through.

Those months,

when things were on the rocks and we were unsure of where baby girl was going to end up,

we lived in each moment.

We lived trusting that God knew best and ultimately He was in control.

When her adoption went through we began taking control back into our own hands,

things began to feel too comfortable again.

I know now that the conversation he had

and what was being stirred in my husband

was what he needed to say yes when I told him about the baby boy needing a family.

The conversation between us after I had received the call wasn't long.

I said there was a need and he said of course we would.

We never took baby boy into our home with the intent of him staying with us long term.

He had already been placed with a family,

a couple who were longing to be his mama and daddy.

But with the uncertainty of the future

there were too many factors that pushed them towards putting baby boy into cradle care.

I will never critize what they did or judge.

Until you have walked this road you won't understand how difficult it is.
Ideally, we wanted to hand him back to them
knowing that he would be loved and cared for.
But that's not an option anymore in this situation.
And with that ideal not being possible
we now feel like we have to protect him,
do all we can to keep him safe.

It's so comforting to know that we were being prepared
That he was meant to be here
With us
For this time

The rest of the story I am determined to leave in the hands of the one who brought this baby boy to our kitchen.

she changed us.

 one year ago our lives changed in ways we could have never imagined. 

we were given a gift.

she has completely rocked our world

in every good and amazing way possible.

 my journal entry on the day she was born..."there were a couple false alarms which were interesting especially seeing that she was 3 hours away. the plan was for us to be there, to be in the delivery room, and for us to take her immediately after delivery. when choosing to foster/adopt, you quickly learn not to have expectations so we weren't set in any aspect of "the plan". and after she was a few days late, with no signs of labor anytime soon, we had kinda come to the conclusion that she would have to be induced. then on tuesday morning, at around 4 am, i was woken up and he said "it's happening, she's in labor." we gathered our things and waited for my sister to arrive. (thank God for my sister, wouldn't have made it without her!)

i drove. and i drove fast. we had to stop for gas and went through the drive through, commenting at the time that there was no way 5 minutes would make the difference in getting there in time. if we had only known! about 19 miles out from our location we got a call saying that she was in a lot of pain and felt a lot of pressure. when i heard the word pressure i knew that we were going to miss it and sure enough, we came squealing into the hospital parking lot only to get another call saying she had just been born. i ran in and was helped by several employees to where the labor/delivery ward was and sure enough i walked into the room while mama was getting stitched up and baby girl was screaming.

 not sure if i can put into words what i felt in those moments. she was crying. crying hard. and her natural instincts were in full flow. she wanted her mama, and i knew that i wasn't what she wanted. to be honest i wasn't sure how to feel. to be honest there was a moment that i wanted to run. don't get me wrong, i knew i was going to be this babies mama but it was still overwhelming and i was out of my comfort zone to say the least. right there i had to make a choice. and that choice was to pick our baby up and be her mommy. and that's exactly what i did. we were in the room for about 10 minutes and then took her to the nursury to have a bath and get her settled. and then they gave us a room. it was amazing what i felt toward her. it was instant. she was mine. and it was beautiful.

everyone asks if we are being a bit hesitant, holding ourselves back a bit from her, guarding our hearts. i understand the questions but my answer is a clear and direct NO. she is our baby. completely innocent and unaware of the drama around her. she arrived to us with a clean slate, needing love. i don't think it would be possible to not fall head over heels for this little girl so i'm not going to try. whether she is with us for 1 week or 60 years, i choose to love her the same. yes, it's hard to think of having to let her go. yes, it's heartbreaking to think of not having her here with us when she is the missing piece we have been aware of for so long. yes, the kids would be devastated. but if we hold back we will only in the end have regret, no matter what the outcome is. she is here. and she is here for a reason. we can give her so much and are determined to give her all we have each day."

our baby girls story didn't end there. 

complications

threat from birthparents

a long drawn out wait

high risk

but in the end her official adoption went through when she was almost 7 months old.

what a gift she is to us.

so many people comment on how lucky she is to have us as her family

but they have it all completely wrong...

we are the lucky ones!