almost a year.

its been almost a year since my last post.

almost a year.

crazy.

i'm here to catch up a bit so this might be a long one.

consider yourself warned.

 

there have been many times i've thought about writing

many posts i have started and ended up deleting

i'm just finding it hard

so incredibly hard to put into words where we are at and where things have been for our family over the past 18 months

i still can't post photos or mention names as things are still unresolved with the future of our littlest

18 months later and things are still unclear

 

there are too many details

way too many ups and downs to try and explain

we had thought we were on the road to adoption

only to have major roadblocks thrown in front of us

and we now find ourselves waiting for the courts to decide

i know that ultimately He is in control

that He knows the bigger picture and knows what is best

i know He loves our littlest more than i ever could

and i know that we have given him everything we could over the past year

an overwhelming amount of love
and I want nothing other than the best for our littlest man
even if that is apart from us.
truly
i want only what is best for him

but to be honest

i have found the journey a bit difficult at times

 

there have been several points over the past year that i have just been done

i just wanted to be on the other side of it all

i just wanted to know what was going to happen and be able to deal with things either way
i was ready to throw in the towel
feeling like it was all just too much
the thought of him leaving honestly takes my breath away

 letting him go would be so incredibly hard

 


 but when i wanted to give up i was reminded that i was called to be a mommy
to each of the 6 littles that have been placed by my side
their circumstances each different
but my calling 100% the same
love them every minute they are with me
run wholeheartedly with every day that i am gifted with them

 and so that is what i am determined to do
we have no clue what is ahead
with our littlest
but actually we have no clue what is ahead with any of our littles
i still have many moments in my day that i have to choose to trust
claim peace over anxiety
choose faith over worry
choose to let go of the situation instead of trying to control it
i am confident though that if i choose these things
one day at a time
that in the end
it will all be okay.
in fact
it will be more than okay...it will be perfect.

and meanwhile

for our family

there have been some major changes 

a very big move

we miss family and friends

but are grateful for the sun and sand

and a new adventure

 moving is always big
always parts that are hard
but I've also found that when you choose something that requires you to make sacrifices
there are always hidden blessings
moments that make it okay
experiences that make it worth it
and that's what we are finding