a beautiful evening to celebrate

 a day to celebrate our baby girl

i found it all much more overwhelming than i had expected

 so many people that love her so so much

all wanting the best for her

for her life to be as full as it possibly can

so many hugs

kisses

smiles

so much laughter

all for her 

 three lines of photos representing each month of her little life

photos of all her firsts

the first picture we ever took after arriving at the hospital

her first trip to the mountains and first trip to the beach

her first time meeting her birth mother

photos of her day to day life

each one representing a chapter in her story so far

 everyone that came to her party were people that have "gotten it" since moment one

they have held her

kissed her

loved her

tickled her

fully accepted her

spoken words of life and truth over her

and to say we are grateful is an understatement

i too often have seen the opposite happen

a family brings a baby home through adoption

no support

alienated

looked down upon due to their decision

i can't imagine

i can't imagine how the parents walk the walk without love and support around them

i can't imagine how the child is going to respond to the feelings of rejection and disapproval

that at some point will be glaringly obvious

 after everyone had left i was so wired

i couldn't settle

couldn't sleep

my mind was spinning

and i was trying to work through one thought

i just couldn't get over the fact that there were probably at least

ONE MILLION WAYS

we could have missed out on our baby girl.

seriously

so many people making so many decisions

so many papers that could have taken a shorter/longer amount of time to process

birth parents being influenced by others that never had their best interests in mind

my stubbornness towards pulling our application from another adoption process

the list goes on and on

i am more than grateful

and more than thankful

that she is my baby girl

and that those one million things didn't keep her from us.

happy birthday, baby girl!



someone has to.

some days the emotions seem overwhelming.

we don't have answers to our situation with baby boy and

there really are no options.

we have to wait and see what happens.

i have fears with baby girl,

so many unknowns for the future.
many of the fears are the same, with any of my children
but many she will have to work through that are unique to her due to her adoption. 

how will we deal with her possible insecurities and questions?

will she know how much we completely adore her,

that she was our baby girl since the moment we saw her. 

i don't want to sound like a broken record,
always writing about the difficult side with our babies
but right now
when things are in limbo
fear
anxiety
worry
are ever present.
we walk each day with a weight on our shoulders
some days the weight is lighter
but it's still always there.

last week things got rough.

no answers to some pretty big questions.

seeming to hit a brick wall in any possible solution with baby boy

it was just too much.

i could feel my chest tightening and anxiety setting in

as we talked through the latest developments with baby boy,

trying to figure out how this was going to work out.
i looked at my husband,

hardly able to get the words out

and i said "why would we ever do this again,

its just too hard".

i haven't been able to shake what he said to me.

"someone has to"

that's all he said.

sometimes i wish we weren't that "someone".
sometimes i wish i could just walk away
and not feel anything
but to be honest
with each baby that has been brought to our home
my feeling couldn't be more opposite.
looking at our baby girl and baby boy
there is only one thought that consumes my mind

one more. 
we can love on one more.
i don't know what that means for our family
but it stirs in me an excitement in regards to the future.
we are open and willing.
He knows
and because He is more than capable
i choose to trust.