almost a year.

its been almost a year since my last post.

almost a year.

crazy.

i'm here to catch up a bit so this might be a long one.

consider yourself warned.

 

there have been many times i've thought about writing

many posts i have started and ended up deleting

i'm just finding it hard

so incredibly hard to put into words where we are at and where things have been for our family over the past 18 months

i still can't post photos or mention names as things are still unresolved with the future of our littlest

18 months later and things are still unclear

 

there are too many details

way too many ups and downs to try and explain

we had thought we were on the road to adoption

only to have major roadblocks thrown in front of us

and we now find ourselves waiting for the courts to decide

i know that ultimately He is in control

that He knows the bigger picture and knows what is best

i know He loves our littlest more than i ever could

and i know that we have given him everything we could over the past year

an overwhelming amount of love
and I want nothing other than the best for our littlest man
even if that is apart from us.
truly
i want only what is best for him

but to be honest

i have found the journey a bit difficult at times

 

there have been several points over the past year that i have just been done

i just wanted to be on the other side of it all

i just wanted to know what was going to happen and be able to deal with things either way
i was ready to throw in the towel
feeling like it was all just too much
the thought of him leaving honestly takes my breath away

 letting him go would be so incredibly hard

 


 but when i wanted to give up i was reminded that i was called to be a mommy
to each of the 6 littles that have been placed by my side
their circumstances each different
but my calling 100% the same
love them every minute they are with me
run wholeheartedly with every day that i am gifted with them

 and so that is what i am determined to do
we have no clue what is ahead
with our littlest
but actually we have no clue what is ahead with any of our littles
i still have many moments in my day that i have to choose to trust
claim peace over anxiety
choose faith over worry
choose to let go of the situation instead of trying to control it
i am confident though that if i choose these things
one day at a time
that in the end
it will all be okay.
in fact
it will be more than okay...it will be perfect.

and meanwhile

for our family

there have been some major changes 

a very big move

we miss family and friends

but are grateful for the sun and sand

and a new adventure

 moving is always big
always parts that are hard
but I've also found that when you choose something that requires you to make sacrifices
there are always hidden blessings
moments that make it okay
experiences that make it worth it
and that's what we are finding

can i be doing more...

“The truth is that the 143 million orphaned children and the 11 million who starve to death or die from preventable diseases and the 8.5 million who work as child slaves, prostitutes, or under other horrific conditions and the 2.3 million who live with HIV add up to 164.8 million needy children. And though at first glance that looks like a big number, 2.1 billion people on this earth proclaim to be Christians. The truth is that if only 8 percent of the Christians would care for one more child, there would not be any statistics left.”
― Katie J. Davis, Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

 

if you haven't read this book

you should

 

the feelings are back

ones that i can't shake

i don't know what that means and at times i'm afraid to find out

some of the things that consume my mind

scare me

surely He's not calling me, calling us, to do what i think He is

but through all the thoughts
the feelings
the what ifs
there is a peace and a full confidence that He knows what he is doing

 

i feel we all have to do more

do i think every family should adopt?

no

do i think more families should adopt?

yes

do i think that all of us could and should be doing more

regarding the millions of children that are suffering?

yes

 

there are so many ways to help make huge change in the lives of kids

become a foster parent

you don't have to even go through an organization

just contact your local children and youth services

sponsor a child

it's easy.  this summer my brother blogged about a trip he took

about the children he met

about how we can help change their lives
anyone can sponsor a child

sponsor another childs adoption

i can't keep my eyes off this site right now

so many children

abandoned

and if nothing changes their futures look horrific

asylums

their lives spent in cribs

if we aren't going to bring these babies into our homes

the least we can do is support those financially who will
each of these options can radically change the life of a child

i'm determined to do more
not sure exactly what that is going to look like
but i know i have to do more

james 1:27
religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless
is this;
to look after orphans and widows in their distress
and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world

what a summer it's been...

2 months.

i can't believe it's been 2 months since i've been on here.

actually, i can believe it...

this summer has been the busiest yet!

hopefully i can get back on track with blogging now that we are getting into more of a routine around here!

i'm excited about the things that have become summer traditions for our family.

the mountains is one of our favorites!

 baby girl started taking steps while we were at the mountains.

now, at 15 months, she is a walker.

can't believe how big she is!

 my love and i had some wonderful time together this summer.

an evening in philadelphia, for a concert and dinner.

even a couple of days in NYC!

we stopped in Princeton on the way...

(saw an awesome team tennis match with agassi and mcenroe!)

 swimming, swimming, and more swimming...the kids had 4 weeks of swimming lessons this summer.  it was awesome to see them gain complete confidence in the water (nice for mama and daddy as well!)  match that with meme and pawpaw getting a pool and we were seriously in the water all summer!

this summer we seemed to keep the tooth fairy busy as well...

 we did the park this summer quite often.  i love going to a place where i know everyone is going to be happy!

 the kids love going to philadephia and baltimore!

 spent the day at dutch wonderland with friends!

 and yes, baby boy is still with us.  i find it so incredibly hard to believe that he is nearly 6 months old.  i still find myself looking at him and wondering how we got so lucky!  he is a complete love, always happy and smiling!  we still have no idea what the future holds, or how things are going to work out but we are determined to take one day at a time.  anxiety sets in the minute we try and figure things out...i have to let the whole situation in God's hands.

a beautiful evening to celebrate

 a day to celebrate our baby girl

i found it all much more overwhelming than i had expected

 so many people that love her so so much

all wanting the best for her

for her life to be as full as it possibly can

so many hugs

kisses

smiles

so much laughter

all for her 

 three lines of photos representing each month of her little life

photos of all her firsts

the first picture we ever took after arriving at the hospital

her first trip to the mountains and first trip to the beach

her first time meeting her birth mother

photos of her day to day life

each one representing a chapter in her story so far

 everyone that came to her party were people that have "gotten it" since moment one

they have held her

kissed her

loved her

tickled her

fully accepted her

spoken words of life and truth over her

and to say we are grateful is an understatement

i too often have seen the opposite happen

a family brings a baby home through adoption

no support

alienated

looked down upon due to their decision

i can't imagine

i can't imagine how the parents walk the walk without love and support around them

i can't imagine how the child is going to respond to the feelings of rejection and disapproval

that at some point will be glaringly obvious

 after everyone had left i was so wired

i couldn't settle

couldn't sleep

my mind was spinning

and i was trying to work through one thought

i just couldn't get over the fact that there were probably at least

ONE MILLION WAYS

we could have missed out on our baby girl.

seriously

so many people making so many decisions

so many papers that could have taken a shorter/longer amount of time to process

birth parents being influenced by others that never had their best interests in mind

my stubbornness towards pulling our application from another adoption process

the list goes on and on

i am more than grateful

and more than thankful

that she is my baby girl

and that those one million things didn't keep her from us.

happy birthday, baby girl!